Wednesday 17th December 2003
The Penge Examiner
$750,000 (stuffed into a sock)


Sydnam Hussein Captured Shock
Old man with beard clearly
"looks a bit like" hated dictator.

By our reconnaissance staff : Hewell In-The-Ground,
Ian Visible, Bea Hind-You and Ivor Hyde-Ing-place.

That Hole In Full

Sydnam was finally tracked down to a small hole in the ground behind the launderette in Sydenham High Street. We list below the items that were found in his hiding place.

• One can of air freshener (empty.)

• One pair of y-fronts (slightly soiled.)

• One set of keys to taxi.

• One beard trimmer (unopened.)

Disguise a menace

It seems that Sydnam managed to avoid capture for so long because of his mastery of camouflage. He has been cunningly driving around for the last few months in a bright orange taxi and parking it each night outside whichever hole he has been sleeping in. The clever fiend.


Public Service Update

To show our whole-hearted support for Penge public services, the Examiner, this week, is launching a campaign in favour of "top-up" fees for students who attend Penge University. We believe it is totally unfair that people who haven’t had the great benefit of a university education are forced to pay for others to go to Penge University.

Next week, we will follow up with a campaign against the terrible injustice whereby people with healthy hearts have to pay towards other people's heart bypass operations by means of so-called "tax".

And that unemployment benefit seems a bit dodgy as well.


On Other Pages :-

Our experts explain what will happen in Sydenham now that the tyrant has been removed.

• Why Sydenham will be much safer now. (Pages 700-799)

• Why Sydenham will be much more dangerous now. (Pages 800-899)

• Why Sydenham will be more-or-less the same now. (Pages 900-999)

Free cut-out-and-keep life-size inflatable model of Sydnam's hole (not available due to unfortunate odour.)


 

 

The Penge Examiner Online : Index

With complete lack of ugly triumphalism, and showing an impressive grasp of South-East London regional sensitivities, the head of the Sydenham Provisional Authority, Dick Tator, announced last night, "we got him, the towel-headed, camel-loving bastard. This is clearly a moment for mature, sombre reflection, ..., but did I say that WE GOT HIM? Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee."

He was, of course, referring to the capture of Sydnam Hussein (and/or one of his look-alikes) who was sensationally captured late last night. Sydenham residents then immediately began shooting each other with sheer joy at the news.

Sydnam is likely to end up being tried in the international court situated in The Hayes.

Lack-Of-News Conference

In a packed press conference, the supreme commander of Penge Forces, General Ian Vader, has given details of the dramatic late-night raid which lead to the capture of Sydnam.

General Vader: "... and now, I will be very happy to answer any questions that you might have."

Forest Hill News Shopper: "Could you please tell us when and where Sydnam will be put on trial."

Vader: "Those matters are currently being discussed and I cannot give further details at this time. Next question please."

Beckenham Bugle: "Could you please give us some details of the capture."

Bloke in uniform: "For operational reasons, I am not able to give that information, although I can confirm that soldiers were involved."

Catford Chronicle: "Will a reward be paid for information leading to the capture?"

Vader Go: "I will refer that question to my colleague, Ian Another-Room, who unfortunately is not here, and has lost his voice anyway."

Norwood News: "Can we be assured that Sydnam will be treated with dignity, in accordance with South-East London law, and will be given a fair trial?"

Darth Vader: "Yes of course we can give that assurance. Look, to prove it, here are some pictures of the guilty old idiot in his underwear, and wearing his ridiculous comedy beard."

Anerley Argos: "And will the trial be very soon?"

Long Vader-Tipperary: "Excuse me sir, but I have already not-answered that question."